Dual-Career Expatriation
Three conversations to get you started!
Juggling two international careers and a relationship is no joke! When we began our expat life nearly two decades ago, I figured it would all just work itself out. Bahaaaa. I know. Adorable.
While none of us really know what life has in store, my personal experience, research, and clinical practice have taught me the importance of open communication.
Start early (or now). Revisit often. Be honest.
Life as a series of transitions.
Jennifer Petriglieri (2019) outlines in Couples that work: How dual-career couples can thrive in love and work the importance of taking a lifespan perspective when orienting your career path. Her research in dual-career couples found predictable stages that can be framed by key questions;
In stage one, couples move from a me to we stance and ask, how can we make this work?
Stage two, typically around mid-career, sandwiched between childcare demands and aging parents, couples begin to prioritise and ask themselves what do we really want?
Finally, we move into our third stage. Here we begin to transition out of work, empty our nest, manage increased health concerns, and embark on a new phase of self-discovery, asking ourselves, who are we now?
With these stages in mind, how might you imagine your possible career trajectory? How would you combine your maps? What choice points are critical to you now? Did you pass through any of these stages with lingering regret or resentments that need attention?
Thinking in transitions helps remind us that these conversations are never finished, instead they evolve along with us!
2. Be deliberate about roles and responsibilities.
I could not be more emphatic about this! When juggling two careers, especially two international careers, making your choices explicit is critical.
Have you discussed the balancing of your careers specifically? Does one of yours take priority? Perhaps you’ll alternate, or maybe one of you will lead consistently? How do your professional roles interact with your intended family ones? What about other priorities and responsibilities? How often will you revisit or renegotiate them? How do you weigh professional aspirations and family responsibilities against financial needs and goals? How realistic is this all on balance—ie, have you discussed your comfort with hiring out those tasks that are a net energy, time and joy drain?
Petriglieri’s study highlights the danger of work and family role assumptions, gender and financial traps among the significant pitfalls causing difficulties within the couple. I have seen the pain and suffering these traps can cause, if not immediately, certainly later down the line.
3. Be vulnerable.
This includes sharing your biggest fears and your hard boundaries, as well as your hopes and dreams.
Of course it can be a little scary to slow things down and really consider your needs, your limits, and challenge each other by facing these particular conversations. I have both experienced and witnessed how rushed decisions, selective prioritization of financial gains, or focusing on the care and growth of one partner’s aspirations to the exclusion of the other can create unintended regret and resentment in the couple’s relationship.
Be honest with yourself, is this your adventure? There is a difference between wanting the adventure, doing it for your relationship, career progression, or being talked into it. That doesn’t mean it won’t be an exciting and rewarding experience for the partner that had never imagined it or is initially unsure. But failing to acknowledge that gap—what you might be missing out on or need to sacrifice in order to make it work, or worse pressuring your partner into it, can backfire on you both.
Remember, it’s never too late to start the conversation!
Need support with your dual-career expatriate journey?
